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Its Okay to Quit When You Have Cancer.
Robert R. Odle, Ph.D.
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… treatment is no piece of cake ....
We all know the story … we have all been there along side someone that has had cancer, some of us closer than others. As soon as cancer is announced everyone comes up with phrases like “hang in there”, “you’ll get through this”, “stay positive”, “keep the faith”, etc. 
There is a believe that if you stay positive you will increase the odds of surviving. In fact, the believe that is not stated is that you are not doing well it is because you are not staying positive enough, you are not trying hard enough. As the cancer patient starts losing the battle the encouragement becomes more intensive, “don’t give up!” And a last beatitude is “new treatments come along everyday”. We send the message to the dying person, you are a failure, you are dying because you are not trying hard enough. And the most hurtful message of all goes unsaid, “I do not love you enough to face the pain of being real and authentic with you and have a dialogue with you about what is on both of our minds”.
Chemo, radiation treatment, drugs, etc.
If anyone has missed the obvious, chemo etc. is usually not a pleasant experience. At best the person is tired and often nauseated. And from what I have observed, it is, at times, a living hell. And, on top of that, the cancer is taking little pieces of the person, sometimes the brain, until less of the person is left each day. And as their health declines so does their identity as a normal healthy person.
Accepting Death and Last Goodbyes
This is not something we do well, accepting death. In fact, we suck at it. And from my experience, you will get very little help from the medical profession, especially the doctors treating you for cancer. They will literally treat you until you are a corpse.
There comes a time to stop treatment, to accept the person is going to die and to say goodbye to them. It is not a conversation that anyone wants to have, but at some point it becomes cruel to keep putting your loved one through a horrible treatment that makes their last days worse, not better. And it is expecting a lot of the sick one to bring up the conversation … they are just trying to cope with pain, sickness and hopelessness. To sit down and tell them that the fight is over, that is useless to continue the battle because the war is lost is the hardness conversation that you will ever have.
I didn’t have this conversation with Julie, my late wife that died after a heroic two year battle with cancer. But, I did go up the street and have this conversation with Sherrie a neighbor whose cancer was progressing about two months behind my wife’s cancer. We hugged and talked and then I told her that she should consider stopping treatment. Her cancer had metastasized a few months before and she was receiving palliative care. Palliative care is supposed to be for the patience comfort, but chemo and radiation treatment is often given under this label. Well, a week later the lady that stood in the driveway talking to me for an hour, underwent more chemo. I visited her the next week in the hospital a few days before her death. The doctors had never had this conversation with her.
We Need Help with the Conversations About Death
I really, really needed help having this conversation with Sherrie. And even more, I really needed help and coaching on having this conversation with my wife. My instinct, like my wife’s, was to keep fighting. I hadn’t been through it before so it was easy to ignore the obvious signs that she was in a permanent decline. The same pattern with Sherrie was easy to see, plus I was not as emotionally involved. But, doctors and caretakers have seen “the pattern” thousands of time.
Where are the conversations at the start of treatment that we are optimistic but this could not go well. Where are all those people that invite you to meetings with pink ribbons talking about survivors. Where is all the help you need if your destiny is not to be a survivor?
What should that conversation look like as death approaches
Of course, I have no answers for you and I barely have answers for me. It is easy to say that you love someone, that you are going to miss them, but actually talking about the impending death and saying goodbye is not so easy. I’ve never actually had the nerve to have an authentic conversation despite having the chance to have it three or four times in my life.
I’m agnostic, so most of my conversations, if I ever had the nerve to have the conversation, would be about their wishes after death and assurances that I would help take care of those that we both loved. Perhaps some reminiscing about the good old days would be in order and finally, asking them about any last requests. But, most of all I think by just having the conversation you show them compassion and love and they are worth the pain that goes with such a talk. It is conversation that can’t be done wrong, except by ignoring it.
having the talk shows compassion and love
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